“It’s time to move on from thinking of sex as a drive”

Hi Readers! 

I have been reading the book Sex Ed, A Guide for Adults by Ruby Rare. Check it out! It’s worth a read! 

The author brings a great perspective about sex drive, or what people call sex drive. Ruby says that sex is a motivational system and that we are drawn to sex because it’s fun, enjoyable, and pleasurable. We are not biologically driven to it to keep us alive the way we are with food and water. 

“To my knowledge, no one has died of horniness” – Ruby Rare

I like the perspective she brings to the table. By seeing sex as a ‘drive’ it implies that humans need it day-to-day to survive. This is not the case. Sex should only happen consensually and when people are in the right headspace. 

Ruby showcases a dual control model that was developed in the ‘90s by Eric Janseen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute. It is about what physically happens to our bodies when we get turned on. This model is made up of 2 systems.

The accelerator

The excited one. Whenever the accelerator picks up something sexy, be that a thought or something happening in the real world, it sends signals from the brain to the genitals telling them it’s ON.

The brake

The inhibited one. This sounds negative, but it’s actually incredibly important. Your brake is working most of the time, noticing all the things around us that are unsexy, be that danger, risk, discomfort, or an inappropriate setting.

Sex isn’t as simple as driving. You cannot simply turn something on or off. As much as the sexy things need to be turned on, the not-so-sexy things need to be turned off. 

Be kind to one another, 

Julia, Sexologist


For further reading click here. 

Guides and workbooks are available here.

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